Need a break but can’t get away? Try a mini-retreat for everyday..

We can’t all go on vacation at moment’s notice…. but we can find a few minutes to relax, center, and take care of ourselves, every single day. Explore these ideas for giving yourself a mini-mindfulness vacation just by paying attention, on purpose, to you and the world in which you live.

1) Greet the day with kindness.  You just woke up and you’re lying in bed. Instead of racing ahead towards all things you should do, give yourself a moment to start the day some kindness. Say to yourself:  “May I be happy and well. May you be happy and well. May all living things be happy and well.”

2) S-L-O-W D-O-W-N from time to time. Set aside a few minutes to be mindful with a warm drink, a few conscious breaths, or a long over-due conversation with a friend. However you pay attention on purpose, your deliberate awareness can help you slow things down, see the ways you act on autopilot, force of habit, or on impulse. Take a moment to pause, pay attention to what you are doing, and enjoy the gifts of being present.

3) Try a little 4/5 paced breathing… to calm the nervous system and help you reconnect to your own sense of power and control from within:  Inhale slowly for four counts, 1-2-3-4; exhale slowly for five counts, 1-2-3-4-5.  Repeat 10 times.

4) Take a mindful walk. When you savor the journey—even if it’s just a brief stroll—you escape autopilot-ness and feel more alive. Try this mindful walking exercise for daily self-care.                

• As you begin, walk at a natural pace.
• Count your steps up to 10, and then start back at one again. If you’re in a small space, as you reach ten, pause, and with intention, choose a moment to turn around.
• With each step, pay attention to the lifting and falling of your foot. Notice the movement in your legs and the rest of your body.
• Your mind will wander, so without frustration, guide it back to the sensation of walking, over and over again.

5) Sit in stillness, anywhere.  Set a timer for 5 minutes, this way you won't have to think about the time that passes, or when your mini-retreat will end.

• Sit in stillness. Begin to pay attention, on purpose, to the inhales and exhales of your breath. The moment you notice your thoughts take you away from noticing your breath (which happens to everyone, all the time), notice where they took you…. and come back to noticing your breath. Continue until the five minutes is up.  That’s it! There’s just something wonderful about finding a little stillness in the middle of a hectic day.

Here’s hoping you find a few moments to enjoy being mindful this week.

Unhelpful Thoughts: How we get hooked and unhooked

I just finished a 20-minute mindfulness meditation. I almost always feel better after I practice mindfulness in such a formal way.  In this practice, I paid attention, on purpose, to the feel of the breath as it moved through my body. Thoughts came and thoughts interrupted, but once I noticed I was being taken away from paying attention to my breath, I came back ... over and over again. I felt renewed.

Mindfulness meditation can feel like a mini-vacation. You don’t have to worry, you don’t have to think; all you have to do is pay attention to your breath. But what happens when you are actively engaging in life and suddenly you’re highjacked by unhelpful thoughts, regrets, or worries? No matter how much, how long, or how often one meditates, thoughts quickly hook us in, often resulting in a lack of attention, a disconnection, or sudden feelings of sadness, guilt, fear, worry, or shame. Generally these thoughts have something to do with the past, which already happened, or the future, which hasn’t happened yet. Either way, they take us away from the present and cause a lot of suffering along the way.

So, how do you unhook from unhelpful thoughts?

In daily living, just like in meditation, you unhook by observing where your thoughts took you (“That’s interesting. I’m starting to feel sad").  Be curious about all the elements of unease (“I wonder why I feel so sad all of the sudden”).  Acknowledge the life cycle of all thoughts and feelings (they all eventually pass). And finally, you unhook by gently guiding your attention back to whatever you are doing, whether it be talking to a friend, attending a board meeting, studying for an exam, or spending time with your kids. Your thoughts take you away, and you come back, over and over again.

Wherever your body is, that’s where your mind can be, too.  Be present and feel renewed.

Create a Little Space Between You and Your Anxiety

How do you experience anxiety?

• Does it prevent you from doing things you need to do or want to do?
• Do you miss out on what’s happening now because you’re so lost in your fears?
• Do you feel your throat tighten, your heart pound, have difficulty breathing, sweat profusely, or feel your stomach tighten into knots… for no apparent reason?
• Do you obsess about not living up to your potential?
• When things don’t go according to plan, do you automatically think the worst?
• Do you have trouble falling asleep because of relentless “what if” thoughts?
• Do you walk into public places and feel like everyone is looking at you?

Essentially, anxiety is an emotional condition that rests in one’s thoughts.  It’s an uneven state of mind that marinates in future fears without much influence from the facts at hand.  And anxiety is uncomfortable because it’s felt in the whole body, leaving one breathless, nauseous, sweaty, unable to think clearly, and many times, speechless and immobile.

In a very general sense, its often helpful to uncover the source of your anxiety. In other words, "How has it come to be, that you instinctually move into this anxious state?"  The process of psychotherapy can help with this unfolding and make meaning out of your experiences. But in the meantime, it’s equally beneficial to have concrete skills to reduce your chances of being highjacked by anxious thoughts.

So, how can you learn to control anxiety, so it doesn’t control you?

Try creating a little space between you ……….. and your anxiety.  Creating space might look like the following:

1. Mindfully pause, and s-l-o–w…  t-h-i-n-g-s… d-o-w-n
2. Name the triggers to tame the triggers. Pay attention, on purpose, to possible triggers    (things that happen right before the anxiety emerges).  Cultivate awareness of these triggers so you can plan for them, rather than avoid them.
3. Observe what you are experiencing with curiosity, and without judgment.
4. Identify, with words, the physical signs of anxiety as they emerge in your body (what and where you feel the discomfort). “I notice my heart is racing, and my face is hot.”
5. Remind yourself this too will pass. Thoughts and feelings always pass. Anxiety is no different.
6. Engage in 10 rounds of 4/5 Breathing: Inhaling deeply for 4 seconds, exhaling fully for 5 seconds.  Did you know that slow, conscious breathing is the fastest way to engage the relaxation response and ultimately, calm the nervous system? In fact, give it a try. Inhale deeply, 1-2-3-4. Exhale completely, 1-2-3-4-5. Do it a few more times and you will feel better.

Practice doesn’t make things perfect; it just make things routine.  Practice creating space, even when you aren’t feeling anxious. Periodically pause, pay attention on purpose, observe what's happening in your body and mind, notice with curiosity and without judgment, slow-things-down with 4/5 breathing, and give your nervous system the ability to balance naturally. You'll be glad you did.

OMM #1…….. ONE-MINUTE MEDITATIONS TO CALM THE SOUL

Did you know that deliberate and slow-paced breathing is the fastest way to calm the nervous system? Its true!  Breathing slowly, at a five-second inhale and five-second exhale pace, actually s-l-o-w-s d-o-w-n the nervous system in a very natural way and allows the mind and body to calm down.

Give this OMM a try…

Pause.  Begin to breathe at a five-second inhale and five second exhale pace.  Follow the prompts below.  Connect to your calm from within.

Breathe in through the nose

Breathe out from the mouth

Breathe in and feel the air enter your body

Breathe out and feel the air leave

Breathe in and feel the lungs expand

Breathe out and feel a sense of softening, or letting go

Breathe in and feel the whole body get fuller

Breathe out and feel the release of any tension

Breathe in whatever you need right now

Breathe out and let go of whatever’s not serving you

Mindfulness, Curiosity... and Breaking Bad Habits

Human beings learn from experience, especially experience that leads to some sort of reward.  It’s aptly referred to as reward-based learning. But what kind of experience does one need in order to break bad habits, unhealthy behavioral urges that seem to repeat themselves over and over again? 

One of the basic tenets of mindfulness is to be more curious about what is going on in the mind and body, moment to moment. Formal mindfulness practices like meditation make the informal practices of being aware of our internal experience more accessible. With greater awareness, one might enjoy more of life’s precious moments, respond more thoughtfully to triggering situations, listen more carefully to others, pay closer attention as things unfold, and feel more in control overall.

Mindfulness practices tap into our natural capacity to be curious, and create a little space for new patterns to emerge.  In a very general way, everyone experiences triggers (the cake/the cigarette/a situation that makes you angry). We follow with habitual behaviors (eat the cake/smoke a cigarette/yell and scream). Then we reap the rewards (it tasted good, it felt good, you make your point.. in anger). 

With mindfulness training, we cultivate nourishing habits that aren’t steered by cravings, unhelpful thinking patterns, or habitual reactions. With a regular mindfulness practice, we begin to notice triggering thoughts or events as they emerge and tap into our natural capacity to be more curious. Who knows? You may see more clearly what you actually get from certain behavioral urges, begin to let go of old patterns, and cultivate a whole new part of you.

Be curious. It’ll do your mind and body good.

Mindfulness Practices Make Mindfulness... Routine

Mindfulness means paying attention, in a particular way, on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.”   ~Jon Kabat-Zinn

Recently I was asked what makes mindfulness practices different from other practices like running, weight lifting, or playing a musical instrument.  On one hand, there is no difference as they are all activities that one practices to gain some level of skill.  The real difference is more personal, measured by the level interest one may have, the possible benefits of a regular practice, and if those benefits are something one values.

For those who are curious and interested, I would suggest that mindfulness, when practiced with intention, can provide physical and emotional benefits that lead to greater quality of life.  Training your mind to stay grounded in the present is a skill that can help you enjoy wonderful moments with your friends or family, protect you from irrational or inflexible thinking, help you stay focused during critical times, and able to manage stress with less distress. 

Mindfulness can also take on many different forms. Whether you prefer the formal practice of meditation, or a more informal approach such as paying attention on purpose in everyday life, you are cultivating a mindful state of mind.  Once learned, mindfulness practices are often free and easily accessible to anyone. There are numerous phone apps (Headspace; Calm) and many websites that provide guided meditations at your fingertips, and at no extra charge     (http://marc.ucla.edu/meditation-at-the-hammer).

Mindfulness practices won’t make things perfect in your life, but practice will make mindfulness more routine.  An added benefit is that this may mean living with less judgment, more patience, a willingness to see things differently and from new perspectives, greater trust in your self, acceptance, and the capacity to let things GO! 

One minute, two minute, 10 minute or 30 minute mindfulness meditations... What do you have to lose but a few moments in time?

Seven Mindfulness Attitudes = Your Real Core Power

Next time you practice mindfulness in any form, consider practicing with intention and some serious attitude! 

Inherent in mindfulness practices is the cultivation of seven core attitudes:  Non-judging, patience, beginner’s mind, trust, non-striving, acceptance, and letting go.  Whether you are new to the practice or already maintaining a daily mindfulness routine, understanding and embracing these foundational attitudes is your power to unlocking the gifts of mind, body, and the present moment:

1. Non-judging

Our minds assess and judge endlessly. It’s part of our evolutionary development and necessary for our fight or flight response to danger or threat. But some judgments on a personal level become repetitive and unhelpful, and may lead to one’s general sense of not being good enough.

Non-judging is about becoming an “impartial witness” to our own experience by developing an awareness of our insistent judging of ourselves, our experiences, and of others.  In mindfulness practices, we pay attention, but in a particular way, from a more neutral point of view. Be curious and let the judgments go!

2. Patience

Patience is the act of understanding that things will unfold in their own time, even when we don’t see immediate results.  It’s about giving yourself permission to take the time and space necessary for mindful practices, without attachment to any particular outcome, and just see what unfolds.

3. Beginner’s Mind

Too often we let our beliefs and what we know blind us from seeing things just as they are.  In mindfulness practices, we try to cultivate a “beginner’s mind,” in which we see everything as if for the first time, without any preconceived expectations. Who knows?  Your new perspectives may lead to new beginnings.

4. Trust

Developing basic trust in yourself and your feelings is integral to meditation training. It’s better to trust your own intuition, even if you make some mistakes along the way, than to always look outside yourself for direction.  Be open and receptive to what you can learn from other sources, but ultimately, the intention is to find your own wisdom from within, and to trust in that unfolding.

5. Non-Striving

Though meditation takes a certain kind of work and energy, essentially it is non-doing. We may say to ourselves, “if only I could relax, be a better meditator, have a healthier body, etc. Then I would be ok.” Suggesting an idea of how we should be implies that “right now, I’m not okay just as I am.”

Non-striving is not the same as no effort. It’s more about being present with intention while letting go of the results. This is the most difficult mindfulness attitude to embrace because almost everything we do, we do with purpose or a goal in mind.

In the meditation domain, however, goals are more effectively gained by backing off from striving and focusing more carefully on seeing and accepting things as they are. Acceptance creates a touchstone for growth, but more on that below….

6. Acceptance or Acknowledgement

Acceptance means seeing things as they actually are in the present moment. 

Whatever your present physical, emotional, or spiritual state, if you don’t want to remain stuck in a frustrating, vicious cycle of wanting things to be different, you might realize that this is the only time you can love and accept yourself. Remember, this is the only time you have for anything. An important caveat to acceptance is that it does not mean that you have to like everything, or that you have to take a passive attitude and abandon your principles. It is simply a willingness to see things as they are right now. We remind ourselves to be receptive and open to whatever we are thinking, feeling, or seeing, and accept it because that is the key to change, healing, and sustainable growth.

7. Letting Go – Letting Be

As we start paying attention to our inner experiences, we discover a pattern of certain thoughts, feelings, or past experiences that the mind seems to want to hold on to. If they are pleasant, we try to prolong and stretch them out, bringing them up -  again, again, and again. If they are unpleasant, we may try to get rid of them, or protect ourselves from them by pushing them away -  again, again, and again.

In a meditation practice, we put aside our tendency to elevate the good aspects of our experience and reject the not so good aspects. When we become aware of the mind’s impulses to dwell, grasp, or push away, we recognize them and choose not to pursue them any further. We just observe and let go, or notice, and let things be.  Imagine what some aspects of life would be like, if you could let go or let things be?

It's a practice.

Adapted from Full Catastrophe Living, by Jon Kabat-Zinn. Attitudinal Foundations of Mindfulness Practice

Alternate Nostril Breathing… Possibly one of the best antidotes to stress

Alternate Nostril Breathing.... is a simple yet powerful technique that is particularly helpful in s-l-o-w-i-n-g down racing thoughts, bringing your mind out of the past, building attention and focus in the present, and cultivating a sense of relaxation in the entire body.

Whether you’re nervous about a project or presentation, anxious about a conversation, worried about an important exam, need to stay focused, or generally stressed out, alternate nostril breathing is an easy and effective way to bring you back to center and tap into your own body’s natural stress-reduction mechanisms. 

Next time you find yourself feeling too many pressures of daily living, move through a few rounds of alternate nostril breathing. It’s a great way to hit the reset button for your mental state and keep you on track for the rest of your day.

Alternate Nostril Breathing:

1.    Take a comfortable seat, making sure your spine is straight and your heart is open.

2.    Relax your left palm comfortably into your lap and bring your right hand just in front of your face, with your thumb and ring (or pinky) finger extended up.

3.    Take one deep breath in and out through your nose.

4.    Press your right thumb on your right nostril and press gently to close.

5.    Inhale through the left nostril slowly and steadily, for a count of 4.

6.    Close the left nostril with your ring finger so both nostrils are held closed; retain your breath at the top of the inhale for a brief pause (2-4 counts).

7.    Open your right nostril and release the breath slowly, for a count of 4. Pause briefly at the bottom of the exhale.

8.    Inhale through the right nostril, 4 slow counts.

9.    Hold both nostrils closed, with ring finger and thumb (2-4 counts).

10.   Open your left nostril and release breath slowly, for a count of 4. Pause briefly at the bottom.

Repeat 5-10 cycles, slowly, with intention, allowing your mind to follow your inhales and exhales. Its nice to do this practice with your eyes closed, but if you feel more comfortable with your eyes open, just keep your gaze soft and to the floor.

Note: Steps 5-10 represent one complete cycle of alternate nostril breathing. If you’re moving through the sequence slowly, one cycle should take you about 30-40 seconds.

PS… The Alternate Nostril Secret:  Feel free to try this practice “in your mind,” without using your right thumb and pinky/ring finger. Just imagine… same actions, same benefits, without anyone else knowing!

Inhale left nostril (4 counts), hold (2-4 counts), exhale right nostril (4 counts).

Inhale right nostril (4 counts), hold (2-4 counts), exhale left nostril (4 counts).  

Repeat for 5-10 cycles, at any time, in any place.

It’ll be your secret.

The Sense of a Beginnning...

How do you know if your therapy experience is the beginning of something? The sense of a beginning, is best understood by paying attention to how and what you feel during the time you spend in session. It's a bit like that phrase, "its not what she says, but how she makes you feel," that relates most to the beginning of something special in therapy.

The therapist meets you where you are and together, you work on developing into the person you want to be. It's a collaborative process.

The therapist recognizes what you are feeling deeply, tapping into what you need most in the time you work together. Perhaps you feel heard and understood for the first time. 

The therapist reflects back to you, how and why you might be feeling a certain way, even if it was out of your own conscious awareness.  Somehow she is able to feel into your subjective experience in a way that no other person has, convey this experience to you, and help you know yourself a little bit better in the process.

The therapist helps you understand how you got to be the person you are, including your strengths and your challenges, yet the process of knowing unfolds with kindness, compassion, and non-judgment. You feel understood.

The therapist notices and conveys a sense of aliveness, deadness, or somewhere in between, which seems to help you understand parts of yourself like never before.

The therapist helps you gain insight in to your patterns of connecting or disconnecting with others. This new perspective-taking comes with greater self and social awareness, two mental assets that matter significantly in how you navigate in life.

The therapist makes it known that you are not alone; she is with you and you can borrow whatever you need for your own growth and development. 

"We are on this path together. Borrow my strengths until they become yours."

Warm regards,

Rebecca 

DBT. I’ve Heard About It. But What Is It??

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is a mindfulness-based, cognitive behavioral therapy approach that focuses on building skills to improve the quality of one’s life. Based on the belief that real change is possible, DBT was originally developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan of the University of Washington in Seattle to help individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder reduce suicidal and other self-harming behaviors.  Although the strongest evidence exists for DBT as a treatment for individuals with this disorder, DBT has been found to be effective for a variety of individuals who have significant difficulties managing their emotions.

Although I often integrate DBT principles in individual therapy, DBT skills are also taught in a group environment and include weekly homework assignments, review of homework, and new skills learning.  The main advantages of building skills in a group format is that group members quickly learn they are not alone in their struggles and they profoundly learn how to use the skills from each other.  Whether introduced in individual or group work, there are four skill-building components in DBT:

1.     Mindfulness: to build self and social awareness (two mental assets that matter significantly in how we navigate the world)

2.     Emotion Regulation: to be able to accept and manage difficult emotions such as anger and sadness, and reduce unhealthy behavioral urges

3.     Distress Tolerance: to be more capable of dealing with crises or other difficult situations without making them worse

4.     Interpersonal Effectiveness: to improve self esteem, get your objectives met, learn how and when to say no, and build lasting relationships

For a confidential phone consultation on how DBT-informed psychotherapy might help you manage your emotions, tolerate stress with less distress, or improve your relationships, please contact me at 224-408-0115, or email me at: rjs0825@gmail.com